DIMINISHED CAPACITY
I was ushered onto Trump's plane and rapidly found myself in what looked to be a private office. On a plane. After some quick introductions everybody left leaving just the two of us. I can’t explain what happens on TV, but he isn’t orange, and his comb over isn’t nearly as heinous as it appears on the tube.
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: I know I requested an interview, but, this is the last thing I expected, I'm just some guy, why in the world am I here?
DONALD TRUMP: It was worth 20 minutes of my time to see if lightning strikes twice in the same place. That thing you did for Hillary reached 2 million people and made the whole email story about her look ridiculous. Maybe you can do the same for me.
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: You're talking about your misogyny story?
DONALD TRUMP: I am. Now that you know what I'm looking for, I know you write for some left wing rag, do you have any problem doing this for me?
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: I have no problem with the truth no matter who it helps or hurts. If the truth helps you, so be it, and I'm doing it for you.
DONALD TRUMP: How would you know the truth if you heard it.
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: My world class bullshit detector. Let's try it out. Start with the misogynist story. How do you respond to it?
DONALD TRUMP: It's ridiculous. I love women. Women are fabulous. I married three of them so I would know.
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: Where should people put the bleeding comment directed at Megan Kelly?
DONALD TRUMP: Up their asses. Everybody knows that women get irrational when they're having their period. It is biology, they can't help it. Look, I've said far worse about Ted Cruz. He is irrational, what's his fucking excuse? What can I say? I don't hate women, I hate people who are stupid or act irrationally. When they do it, since I'm an asshole, I'm going to talk trash to them, man or a woman. I am an equal opportunity asshole. I insult everybody. It's my brand. Women want to be treated equally and I think that's great. They should be treated equally. If I cut women slack then I'm not doing what they want, am I?
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: How do you respond to the charge that you treat women as sex objects?
DONALD TRUMP: I like having sex with women, and I'm fantastic at sex, what's wrong with that? But that's not all there is, otherwise I wouldn't be married. Sex is great, but there's still another 23 hours in the day, so I want to be married to someone who can have an intelligent conversation.
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: How do you value a woman's opinion? Give me your best example.
DONALD TRUMP: Women don't have the whole testosterone thing going on, and when you combine that with brains, you've got something fantastically useful. My mind never stops. I get a million great ideas a day. I have a lot of energy, but there simply isn't enough time to deal with that many ideas. Melania doesn't give a flying crap about my ego, so she has no problem destroying 99.99 percent of my ideas. All that gets past her are the really fantastic ideas. Honestly, if I didn't have her, I'd never get anything done.
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: Lets jump to your campaign. The predication markets have your chances for the nomination dropping by 20%, it may be a coincidence but all this happened after your comments about punishing women who have abortions. What is your response to that?
DONALD TRUMP: I made a mistake.
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: I’m sorry, I have a problem with my hearing. Could you repeat that?
DONALD TRUMP: I made a fucking mistake. It almost never happens, but it does happen. That dick Chris Matthews. The whole abortion thing, look, I'm a guy, guys don't get pregnant, it's not an experience I can relate to, other than as a spectator, meaning I have stood behind the mothers of my children, but let's get real, for a man, the whole pregnancy experience is theoretical. Pregnancy is totally a woman's thing. Do you know the value of a man's opinion on pregnancy? Fucking zero. Which meant, for a long time, my only opinion on the subject was that men should butt out and women should decide this.
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: But that changed.
DONALD TRUMP: Yea, I'm a Republican. And they have their view of it, which is, hey, having an abortion is the same as murdering a child. I love my children. For me, it is understandable how they could see it that way. So, what the hell? What difference does it make to me? I'm a Republican, so I changed my position. The mistake I made was taking them at their word.
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: What word?
DONALD TRUMP: That abortion is murder. Murder is murder right? A legal term for which there are laws. If you have a law against murder, someone has to be punished. When Mathews asked, I answered. If he had asked if a woman should be punished for murdering her child, I would have given him the same answer. For his question I gave a theoretical answer, since the law currently allows abortions. Let me give you an example. Say a woman is raped, and she complains to some guy about having to care for the child of her rapist, and the guy says, 'Hey I can get rid of the kid for you.' That makes the mother guilty of conspiracy to murder her child. Now, if the child isn't born yet, and she is talking to some doctor, and he says, 'I can get rid of the kid for you,' the mother would still be guilty of conspiracy to murder her unborn child. Right?
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: (I bent over backwards for this) Assuming that legally, an unborn child, is the same as a living child, then legally the status should be the same. So I see your point. Republicans seem to have no problem executing women who hire someone to kill their husbands...even with cause, why would they have a problem punishing women who get abortions.
DONALD TRUMP: Exactly. So why the hell were they all over me about it?
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: They say women are the victims of abortion, and the doctors are to blame.
DONALD TRUMP: So you hire someone to kill your child, and you are the victim? There is only one way that could be true, and it is the thing I missed.
Diminished Capacity.
A woman can get away with having someone kill her child, by pleading diminished capacity, which means, she broke the law but she can't held criminally liable because her mental functions were diminished or impaired. What does it mean when people say all women who have abortions are victims and not guilty of any crime?
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: That all women suffer from diminished capacity.
DONALD TRUMP: Exactly, and those same fucking pricks are jumping up and down, all appalled when I suggested women who have abortions should be punished. A theoretical answer. It was their choice to try and classify abortion as murder. I gave them the benefit of the doubt.
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: Why did you walk it back?
DONALD TRUMP: Because I don't hate women, and it pisses me off to let lying hypocrites like Ted Cruz take the high ground. Their great idea is to treat all women like they have diminished capacity, as if that demonstrates their compassion for women? Really? Like forcing a woman to carry a pregnancy to term if her life is as risk, or taking away Planned Parenthood without replacing it? Planned Parenthood does a lot of really good things for women. And I'm the one who hates women. That is such bullshit.
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: You are saying that the other Republican candidates hate women and you don't?
DONALD TRUMP: They certainly don't respect a woman's ability, right, wrong or criminal, to make their own choices.
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: In summary, it is your position that you treat women the same way you treat men, as equals, and if abortion was criminalized, you initially said you would treat abortions as murder, because you believe women are capable of making choices. Would you say you are the Republican's most pro women candidate?
DONALD TRUMP: What left wing rag do you work for?
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: I'm not an employee. It's a blog on the DailyKos.
DONALD TRUMP: No republican is going to see that. You can say I'm a feminist. Do you have what you need?
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: Oh yes.
DONALD TRUMP: Here are the rules. This interview didn't happen, unless I say it did. If it turns out to be useful, I’ll say it happened.
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: So you want me to tell the truth, but disguise it as a lie.
DONALD TRUMP: Yes, and I'll deny that.
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: Deal, in exchange for one more question.
DONALD TRUMP: Ask, maybe I'll answer.
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: What's the whole wall thing really about?
DONALD TRUMP: If you go see Sting, everybody in the place expects him to do Roxanne. So he does Roxanne. What the hell else can he do? What else should he do? These people have all paid to see him, and he isn't going to do it? Do you think they care if Roxanne is a real person? Does it matter? It's entertainment. They want the wall, so I do the wall. The greatest wall ever. It touches something in them, something to address the rage they feel for just a minute. Does it matter if it's real?
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: I guess the voters will decide. Thanks Donald, this was fun, surreal, but fun.
DONALD TRUMP: No problem. What was your name again?
aMOUNTAINCLIMBER: I forget.
DISCLAIMER
This story is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the persons or events depicted and real people or events, would be fantastic, absolutely amazing and the best fictional interview ever.